Mea Culpa Mon Dieu

The kabuki would leap upon kabuki's very own sword, but truth be told - it is as dull as a Dean Martin film retrospective.  As a creature of immense talent and undeniable beauty, it is puzzling as to why kabuki has been away of late.  Let us just say it was not all rainbows and butterflys here at Castle Rock.  The fibromyalgi trio (pain, fatigue and depression) arrived early to the party, and once again overstayed its welcome.  Imagine having the flu, falling down the stairs, then being sad about it.  yuck.  Kabuki's personal physician inquired as to kabuki's mental well-being, and kabuki blurted it out.  "Sad dear Doctor, kabuki is depressed" kabuki spoke.  The Doctor offered counseling, but kabuki informed herr Doctor that kabuki was in pain and fatigued, and would only require counseling if this made kabuki happy.  So anyways, kabuki found oneself posing for the wikipedia despondent entry (thanks Annie Liebovitz).  And like so many other creative geniuses that dance upon the very precipice of insanity, kabuki finds that depression fires up the creative juices.  But dear citizen - these creative juices are dark - and kabuki tires of creating yet another 'blue period' masterpiece.  (thanks Van Gogh).  Now do not you fret your little citizen-mind, kabuki was assured of victory over the depression as surely as the sun will shine in your beady citizen eyes, but the time - oh sweet crispy jesus - the time. 

Enough, let us continue in a lighter vein.  kabuki's first houseguest has come and gone successfully.  Much fun was had by all, and the lovely Castle Rock has recieved much needed sprucing-up.  Photos later - to be sure.  A birthday celebration was held (on kabuki's very own birthday - go figure) and so many well-wishers sprang up that kabuki was almost nearly slightly misty eyed.  (which is a fabulous look for kabuki)  While kabuki waited patiently at home for the delivery of the birthday porsche - it was simply not to be.  kabuki hastens to remind others that  delayed obedience is disobedience (thank you christian televangelists). Meanwhile  kabuki's smallest charge - a green ring-necked parakeet  did manage to lay an egg for kabuki's bd bash (better her than us).  German chocolate cake was prepared and handed out to the guests - which numbered none.  kabuki's memory is long dear children, almost painfully so.  The day will come, mark kabuki's words - when a nearby attractive and yet still desirable person shall beg for kabuki's help.  'Please kabuki, help me put out the fire threatening to destroy my humble abode!' they shall plead.  'Just a minute, let kabuki see if this dried out birthday cake is an effective fire retardant'.  And it shall not be the only thing retardant in that scene, believe kabuki. 

kabuki had planned to spenn the $590 million dollar lottery winnings to purchase the Bob Hope estate located smack dab in Palm Springs, but apparently some floridian busy-body has spirited away kabuki's winnings.  It remains remarkable how kabuki continues to shine as a pure and gentle soul in the midst of such tom foolery.  kabuki can only think of one reason.  Impending sainthood.  But do not think kabuki shall abandon the silk finery of an extensive kimono collection for heavenly robes.  kabuki has never needed wings to soar - and neither do you.  So come fly with kabuki, and let us see what new dreams we can conjure up.  kabuki loves you like candy - really.

It's a boy Mrs Walker, it's a boy!

kabuki was recently sitting in a piano bar in Palm Springs with one of kabuki's imaginary friends.  kabuki calls him Eddie Fingers.  kabuki and Eddie go way back, but even Eddie will admit that kabuki is a mystery wrapped in a silk conundrum.  "Tell me something" spouts Eddie.  Although imaginary friends are never hard to find - they cannot hold their liquor worth a damn.  "What would you like to know, Mr Fingers?" kabuki replied inbetween sips of a delicious beverage.  "A story, tell us a story" Eddie pleaded.  Eddie can be quite single-minded when hammered, kabuki felt it best to comply.  Plus kabuki likes to comply with other peoples wishes at least once a season.  It shows kabuki's inner child, that frail willed angel of sweetness that we all adore.  Yes even kabuki adores kabuki, and how could he not?

It was the 80's and kabuki was appearing at the Hollywood Bowl, theorectically as the opening act for The Talking Heads.  Everyone knew that kabukis' band. kabuki and the excessive pleasures, was the real reason anyone who was anyone would show up.  In the 80s anyone who was anyone were important people to have on your team.  If you catered to such behaviour - which kabuki did not.  The place was packed, the show was memorable, yadda yadda yadda.  However - unbeknownst to kabuki trouble was afoot.  Gunter - our neo-nazi stagehand was preparing an eventful evening - undoubtably to cull favor with the many skinheads that frequented The Hollywood Bowl,  A group of none, but Gunter was no rocket scientist.  Gunter could barely separate out the brown M&Ms, which he coveted.  Also Gunter was Egyptian - so there was much confusion about his name.  Many pregnant women were given weird pills by their doctors at this time, maybe that influenced Cleopatra. (kabuki is guessing his mom was named Cleopatra, as there is no proof) 

Anywho, Gunter was ahead of his time in one respect.  He had collected a large number of kittens who look like hitler.  (they are called kitlers - don't ask how kabuki knows)  Gunter planned to release these ferocious felines during the high point of the evening, thus wrecking havoc on the post-modern punk stylings of kabuki and the excessive pleasures.  It bears repeating that Gunter was an idiot.  Meanwhile kabuki is onstage performing the closing number of the set.  kabuki believes it was 'Windmills of Your Mind'.  The band played a toy piano and a slightly de-tuned bassoon.  kabuki was wearing a delicious Vivienne Westwood kimono.  It was made entirely of boy scout neckerchiefs and safety pins.  kabuki was mad mad mad for Vivienne Westwood during the 80s. ( kabuki blames the drugs )  Realizing that time is indeed fleeting, Gunter leaps into action.  He releases the kittens onstage, they head towards kabuki at top speed (note: kittens love kabuki).  The bassoon player steps forward to avoid trampling a little hitler kitty.  He steps on the back of kabuki's kimono - several safety pins let loose - and kabuki moons The Hollywod Bowl.  To the sound of "Windmills of Your Mind".  Pandemonium?  HA - it took 30 minutes to calm the crowd to pandemonium levels (kabuki has a fine caboose).  kabuki does not know how The Talking Heads set went that evening, as kabuki had some business to attend to.  Suffice it to say Gunter was never seen again.  And no one can really say why David Byrne wrote "Psycho Killer" soon after.  It probably has nothing to do with kabuki, or that night.  But some still say when the moon is high and the wind is low - if you listen very hard - you can still hear the pitter patter of little kitty hitlers across the stage.

Beauty is as beauty does, or so they tell kabuki.  Actually they shout it as the Zero Limousine races by.  kabuki races almost everywhere these days, such is the life of a gigastar.  Appearances, charity functions ET CETERA.  If kabuki has to change kimonos in the back of a maybach landaulet one more time - let us just infer that some orphans may go without christmas this year.  People it is all just too much.  For you HAHAHA - sorry a little megalomania peeked out.  People often ask kabuki, they say "kabuki - how does one achieve giga-stardom.?"  kabuki kindly replies "kabuki achieves it naturally, you personally can only hope for divine intervention".  Best to let them down softly, as kindness is kabuki's bread and butter.  Beauty was born on kabuki and fame was soon thrust at kabuki - much like a peodphiles weeney.  How was kabuki able to survive so many years of absolute stardom without ending up in a rubber room.  First - rubber rooms smell funny, and kabuki dislikes offensive smells (incentive one).  Second - they rarely send out your kimonos for proper cleaning and repair when you are in the rubber room hotel (incentive two) Third - let us just say that kabuki is stong minded.  But really  - the dirty kimonos were the deal breaker.
So what have we learned?  We know now that kabuki handles the stress of stardom gracefully, gazelle like even.  We also know kabuki does it for the children.  So if you are an awkward teen, desiring to present the same magnificient visage as kabuki, let kabuki give you loving words of advice.  "Bitch - kabuki got this,  Go be you before kabuki makes you bonsai food".

these are the times that fry mens souls

kabuki has come to you today dear readers, with a matter most important.  Having felt poorly for a couple of days, faced with plumbing woes, a shortfall of cash - and frankly, more troubles that one cares to mention in mixed company.  kabuki was laying in kabuki's extremely comfortable (and color-coordinated) bed ruminating on oh so many things troubling, when it smacked kabuki like a wet fish.  kabuki does not care for smackings directed in kabuki's direction, it must be said.  Sufficiently medicated, munching on a frozen girl scout cookie (don't ask), an epiphany of sorts was had.  Aliens, california's elephant in the room, were the cause of kabukis' problems.  Kabuki knows you are thinking Norwegians - and kabuki will admit that Norwegians are a scurrilous lot, but naynay dear reader, not this time.  Space Aliens - probably Martians - are the crux of the dire situation.  kabuki was discussing this very dilemna with Felix in Hollywood earlier today. http://felixinhollywood.blogspot.com/  Felix and kabuki both agreed on two key points: 1;  Aliens seem to favor the desert  2.  Aliens probably don't like to feel clammy.  Both points kabuki is sure the reader will agree with.  That is why kabuki favors the readers, because they are an agreeable lot.  As opposed to Space Aliens, who may well having been adjusting the thermostat in kabuki's very own GE Profile refridgerator.  As you may recall - that baby has like 8 lightbulbs.  Was it the bright light beaming from kabuki's  unit as kabuki concocted a late-nite snack?  There is not one shred of evidence to prove otherwise.  And why the fascination with all things kabuki?  (I kid)  Most sentient beings are fascinated by the giga-star kabuki, and all of the kabuki goings-on.  Who could blame them, really?  kabuki has exciting, adrenaline racing, miss the bus fun goings on.  Whether perusing the neighbor's garbage (cleverly set out as yard sale goods), going toe to toe with recalcitrant hummingbirds (kabuki relocated their feeder), even explaining food safety to a misinformed poodle.  People - normal people - do not have the type of day kabuki frequently has.  kabuki fears they would not last a week in kabuki's shoes.  (did you know kabuki has very attractive feet?  thought so)   Pardon - wandered a little off-topic there.  It is because kabuki cares so much, and out of that caring comes sharing.  kabuki is a fountainhead of information.  Both pleasant and not.  For kabuki pulls no punches my reader.  That is how sports injury happen.  So like kabuki was saying - can kabuki's dearest friend carry-on a large crystal chandelier when he flies coach cross-country?  Are crystal chandeliers considered threatening weapons?  Surely not to kabuki, who has a mirrored dining room that positively screams 'chandelier me'.  kabuki suggested stretching fabric over the bottom of the device, upending it, and now you have a crystal parasol.  And if the airlines have a policy regarding crystal parasols- well kabuki will never fly coach again.  (like kabuki was gonna fly coach - HA)

A testament to kabuki

kabuki reached out to an old friend today.  Because above all else, kabuki is a giver.  This is so widely known that only dead Nazis remain ignorant of the fact. And who cares about a few thousand dead nazis.  Not kabuki for damn sure.  As you can see by the attached photo, kabuki is rallying the turtle horde to do kabuki's bidding.  Here you can clearly see the daily worship of kabuki in progress.  kabuki actually had to have someone else snap the photo, because my litle denizens will not let kabuki out of their sight.  And who can really blame them.  Among many things you already know about kabuki, you know kabuki is easy on the eyes.  That is the only easy part of kabuki.  Neither cheap or tawdry, as befits a goddess with a turtle horde army.  Just a quick aside : kabuki's beloved yamaha receiver is getting a bit wonky.  kabuki loves it dearly, it has great sound, lots of power, and the remote will give a headache to all but true afficianados.  If someone were to purchase a gift for kabuki - (not everyone is allowed to do so) it had damn well better be 1. porsche 2 yamaha receiver 3 diamonds.  kabuki is disgusted to remind one and all that the kabuki diamond jubilee is gonna be held with kabuki wearing moissanite. (kill me)  The shiny shinys have all gone (sob).  Who really cares, certainly not kabuki. (kabuki is blue)  There is currently a plan to overrun Tiffany's with commando trained killer turtles.  They are on their way.  Unfortunately aquatic turtles are not so speedy, and they have repeatedly wrecked the little hovercraft kabuki built for them, so they are hoofing it.  Any day now their cross country trek will be complete.  kabuki could have sent them local - but west coast diamonds?  what does kabuki look like - a hoochie coochie girl?  kabuki would use them in the garden - which no one has bothered to tend. (except kabuki)  You have been warned.  The turtle horde lives for kabuki.  And amaretto sours.  And french fries.  You try and teach a killer horde about the food groups, go ahead.  Your bones will litter the bottom of the duck pond.  Next time - dangerous ducks.

Odds & Ends

Firsties - in the words of the late great Whitney Houston "BOBBY, kiss my ass!".  Where was kabuki?  The famed and often ill-advised kabuki was stricken with a malaise of no small stature.  A malodorous, malingering malaise.  When the goddess kabuki is depressed the creative spirit literally leaps from kabuki's delicate frame, but this malaise was more of a 'let us reflect on - oh crap, lets go play bingo!'  Kabuki is not proud, but the holding pattern lasting the last quarter of 2012 has been banished.  NFTL - as kabuki would say. (not feeling the love)  Also not feeling any love is SSSBF (super secret straight boyfriend) who was shown the door weeks ago.  Arm candy is not enjoyable if you don't get to eat any of it.  (kabuki does love the sweets)

Kabuki Laboratories has been hard at work, you will undoubtably be ecstatic to learn.  We are all aware of physical micro-expressions - the little tells that give away your subconcious (or unconcious for a few of you POW!).  Well here at Kabuki Laboratories we are working on cutting edge science with verbal micr-expressions - the little words that slip out after you think you have finished speaking.  An example - Store Employee says "May I help you?" followed by a millisecond long "You hideous seacow".  You reply "Just Browsing" with a verbal micro-expression "Look, a whore with a day job".  People, you do not need kabuki to tell you this is going to be BIG BIG BIG.  Why do you think Oprah went off the air?  Kabuki cannot say another word.  Patents and such.  Kabuki knows you understand, and when the royalty checks start rolling in you are sooo invited over shrimp cocktails and such.  Such such such.  Such is going to be a buzz-word in 2013, kabuki has a vibe for trends.  Perhaps it is time for another IN & OUT guide for the unobservant.  Later, let us get thru odds & ends.

The parts of the animal kingdom residing at kabuki's doublewide castle remains fixed.  3 parrots (one moody, one crabby, one crazy).  The poodle continues to be the happiest animal ever created, and trust kabuki when he tells you it is NOT contagious.  Kabuki would render the dog senseless, but the cockatoo has claimed that task.  She would take that dog down in a flash, except she adores the attention.  Is this ringing any bells for anyone?  Kabuki has no bone to pick with attention whores,  needy little soul-sucking weasels that they are. 

A friend from high school stopped by the other day.  He was returning from the Channel Islands - where he and his spouse had welcomed in the new year.  (probably some druid type affair)  Anyways kabuki was lunched, and fun was the side dish.  Afterwards we wandered Palm Springs until we came upon the 26foot tall Marilyn Monroe statue, called Forever Marilyn.  Tourists were thick about the place.  Why would you take your children with you on vacation?  Seems pointless to kabuki.  Were kabuki to be invited anywhere nice you can bet your bottom dollar the pets are not coming along.  How do you get away from it all if it is 3 paces behind you? 

What an informative and educational blog entry this is turning out to be.  Or not to be - is that a question?  Is there money to be made with an Angry Birds "Romeo & Juliet"?  Can brownies be a breakfast of champions?  Will Matt Damon visit kabuki soon?  Does Canada have snow on purpose?  Oh the stories Kabuki could tell.  And will, because kabuki is back, and dammit - it just feesl right.

No Man is an Ithmus

Whilst floating in my very own pool, reclining upon my very own pool float - demonic forces arrived.  (No not mexican children - they be scared of kabuki)  Rather, the built in radio went on the fritz - everytime a wave of water washed over the armrest, the radio changed to a christian station. This particular christian station featured a Jimmy Swaggart sermon.  He promised kabuki fire & brimstone if kabuki did not purchase his Study Bible.  Apparently ole JimJim has highlighted the Bible IN DIFFERENT COLORS!!!!!  Ba-zing. Just the thing for beating the word of God into Christian and non-Christian alike.  (kabuki refuses to name these non-christians because they take offense at everything.  They remind kabuki of thirteen year old girls - hatin on everybody). So instead of a gentle floating motion kabuki's pool float is surrounded by a frothing sea of maddness.  Kabuki can be seen pounding on the arm of the pool float screaming 'out out out you nasty pervert'.  Did kabuki mention the children are scared of kabuki?  Halloween is gonna be a blast.  Kabuki might not even  hand out candy, just jump out and take a piece from the little whippersnapper's candy bag.  Life is harsh, the children might as well learn it from a master.  Kabuki often sees the jealousy in the parents eyes when kabuki reminds them he is indeed childless.  Yes kabuki has animal friends, but you can sell them on Craigslist for Bingo money.  IT IS PERFECTLY LEGAL!! 

In other exciting news, kabuki was returning from a walk around Desperate Palms with Liberty (the adopted poodle).  Kabuki has nicknamed him 'Limberger', because puppy breath is a very bad thing.  SO ANYWAY, kabuki noticed someone has moved kabuki's little red wagon.  (no it don't need fixing)  What miscreant has trespassed and violated my beloved wagon?  OMG  My beloved Super Secret Straight Boyfriend has delivered to my very door, IN THE DESERT, a three foot clam shell.  Minutes later SSSBF saunters in. the cock of the walk.  "What?  Why? How? Why? And of course Why?"  kabuki gently asked the eye-candy.  "The guy with the landscaping business was gonna throw it out, so I asked him if I could have it for you.  Nice, huh?"  SSSBF replied.  Mark my words, kabuki is gonna give that stud-muffin a lil' sumthin-sumthin.  Are you feeling what kabuki is cooking?  kabuki thought as much.  Kabuki is returned, and the world is alright once again.